24 Hours of Fear and Crying

There are a lot of things in life that scare me.

Primarily death.

And cancer.

So, when I had to do my mammogram again this year, I of course had about a month where I put it off and then finally made the appointment.

Because, this is just too grownup for me.

I don't like to think about it.

I hate boobs for the very reason mammograms exist.

So I did it.

Then we went on a trip to Las Vegas.

Normally, after a week, you get a letter in the mail that says "your mammogram was fine, see you next year."

OR you get a call that something is up and you need to come back.

I asked while we were away if there were any phone calls, there weren't.

I got home feeling confident that good letter would come.

3 days pass and it didn't come.

Each time the phone rang I would cringe until I saw something random on the caller ID.

I was almost excited to talk to a telemarketer at this point.

Working at the computer on that Wednesday morning, the phone rang and I didn't think anything of it for some reason as I reached to click talk.

My heart stopped as I read the words mammography specialists across the phone's screen.

I heard my voice crack as I said hello and then there was a blur in my memory.

I felt like I was going to faint and I think I even told the person on the other line that. 

She told me they needed another look at my right breast. 

My robotic voice took over as I felt numb. 

Yes, okay. I'll be there tomorrow. Can you give me the address?

I think I said those words.

I clicked off and then dialed my husband's cell.

I remember bawling and not being able to make a coherent statement.

"I'm so scared!" was all I could muster.

 The next 21 hours I went back into that numb, robotic state to stay calm for the kids. 

I did text and call friends and family and was reassured that this was more normal than it wasn't.  I had so many questions but I tried to keep calm.

I slept that night only with help.

Hubby drove me to the appointment and I didn't say a word the drive over.

I remember shaking as I got out of the car and walked up the steps to the office.  I wanted to run the other direction...

When my name was called I went back and was given the drill for my rescan. I was somewhat relieved to hear that a doctor would confirm or deny any findings before I left so I wouldn't have to worry any further...or well, you know, worry alot.

I tried to avert my eyes from the screen of my breast scan, I had no idea what I was looking at anyway but if I looked too long I know I'd end up google-ing it later.

I walked to the next room for my ultrasound and the clinician handed me a box of tissue as my eyes were leaking but I tried to hide it.

I stared at the squares on the ceiling trying to decide how to handle any results.  I was interrupted by her telling me how she was done and the doctor would now come in and finish up my exam and talk to me about her findings. 

I felt the need to vomit at that moment and when the doctor came in I started to sob.  "Don't cry, this is normal, it happens more often than not."

And like that, with a few waves of the wand she says, "everything looks good.  see you next year!"

I lost it.  I cried uncontrollably while she continued to tell me not to. 

I thought about the people I know who are not fine and cried for them.

I cried for myself for have been given this pass.

I think I cried for the next 5 hours until I picked up the kids from school.

It seemed to have been the longest day of my life.

I don't want to repeat it.

MALEstones Happening Before My Ears

It scares me a few times a week.

I'll be in my office bedroom and hear this deep voice talking to DQ.

It's 3:45pm so I know Hubby isn't home.

I vaguely remember setting the 'at home' setting on the alarm, so a burglar isn't talking to my 15 year old.

I shake the cobwebs from my brain and realize yes, that is the deep, hormonal, very masculine voice of my 12 year old son.

That very son who is inching taller over me more and more every day.

That very son who at 2am wakes me from my slumber to again assume a burglar is in our home, but it's really my boy rummaging through our refrigerator.

"I'm starving!"

I don't know if he went to bed and woke hungry or hadn't hit the pillow yet.

That boy has never gone to bed early since infancy.

Just a size and a half away from wearing dad's shoes, this boy is becoming a man.

It's pretty weird for me.

Being a girl and all, I know all the girl changes DQ has gone through and this is more Hubs' territory.

Clothes are now purchased in the men's department.

Socks are smelling pretty rank these days, pits aren't nature's bliss either.

Luckily, the sophomore is giving him skin tips and he's showering regularly, so he's staying pretty hygienic.

He's also in junior high now, and that means he wants to do something I've never let any of the kids do...walk home from school with friends.

This is a toughie letting go of control for sure.

My job as a work at home mom is that I'm available for the kids.

I pick them up from school.

Now the elementary school was two blocks away.  

I didn't let them walk...well except for that ONE TIME HE WILL NEVER LET ME LIVE DOWN.

The junior high is over a mile away.

Needless to say, I stalked him on day one....and possibly day 3.

But, he made it home on those days WITHOUT A CELL PHONE as he's now begging for.

Oh these milestones and this growing up thing is just going too fast I tell ya.

I'm aging faster than my hair dye purchases can keep up with.

It's hard letting go.

My Kids are Taller than Me Now (insert ugly cry here)

Who are these people?

I mean who stole my babies and replaced them with big kids?

Only because she's leaning toward the camera does DQ look taller than My Boy.  In fact they are now the same height. 

The very height that is 2 inches taller than their mom.

UM WHAT?

Not acceptable.

I'm thinking of giving K coffee for the rest of her life so I can remain taller than one child!

The kids hit another milestone too, one at each level of school, elementary, jr high, and second year high school.

That means big brother isn't walking little sister to my car anymore after school.

Which means the dreaded school pickup line.

Boo.

In that line today I saw cops stopping stupid people doing stupid car pickup line stuff.

I saw people not holding kids' hands walking through the parking lot not around it.

I saw people getting out of their cars to let their kids in while parked in front of the sign that says "DON'T GET OUT OF YOUR CAR!"

It stresses me out.

As I got closer to picking up my baby I scanned the teachers on that dreadful pickup/car line yard duty.

DQ's first grade teacher, My Boy's 3rd and 5th grade instructors....

I got melancholy that they both are too old for K-6 and that little K is my last baby to go to the very school I attended Kindgergarten in.

I got that twingey feeling like I was going to cry.

Time is moving too fast.

I got a call from the high school that my Sophomore can take the practice SAT this year.

Because next year she will start applying to college.

*pulling the needle off a record sound*

College.

That's where I met my now husband.

The father of the kids in that photo up there.

I hear my son is talking about girls.

And not tattling-on-his-sisters-type talking.

K is reading Junie B Jones books to herself and laughing just like her sister did just yesterday a few years ago.

I'm dying my hair like every four weeks now.

They're growing up.

And, I'm growing....grey.

Resurrecting "A Thousand Words Thursday"

Good grief where has the time gone?

In 10 days I will officially have a 10th grader, a 7th grader, and a 2nd grader.

Whoa.
 
DQ keeps reminding me how she'll be graduated from high school in 3 years and then I stick my fingers in my ears and say LALALALALALALA really loud and run out of the room.

My son is heading to junior high in which I may pin a spy camera on him and if anyone tries to bully him, I'll drive right over to that campus and give them a piece of my mind.

Oh and K and I are headed to Kauai next week...more on that later.

So I'm bringing SEXY my A Thousand Words Thursday meme back.

Maybe you remember it, photos on Thursday, linky, fun.

No?

Well, head over to The Mom Reviews, that's where it's going to re-launch, resurrect, be reborn if you will.

Get involved.

 I'll come see yours if you comment on mine!

http://themomreviews.com/2013/05/29/a-thousand-words-thursday-join-my-weekly-meme.html

Tell a friend.

First My Son with Needles, Now My Baby with Blood

Spring Break day one and this is how we started the day:
Well....sorta.

It actually started with crying about how sore her wiggly tooth was.

Then the blood came.

Then more tears.

Then the tissue paper wad was soaked with bright red and my little K was not loving it.

She walked into my room and said, "mom, I'm shaky." 

I looked at her and realized she was pale.

"I don't like blood."

I don't either honey.  Do you feel okay?

"I think I want to throw up."

Okay, do it in the bathroom!

We raced in and she sat down on the floor. 

I immediately remembered when my son passed out. 

K was mesmorized and frightened by the bloody tissue and I thought she is going to faint.

I grabbed it and flushed it down and told her to relax.

Maybe we should pull out the tooth and be done with it...

"NO! That will hurt!" 

The color was coming back to her face and with a couple of tugs on her own, K had the tooth in her hand and her gummy smile was such a relief!

"Let's get donuts to celebrate!"

Well thank goodness for the change in her behavior. 

I hope this fear doesn't pop up every time, because two more of her teeth are loose.

I'm thinking pureed ham for her this Sunday.

Sing along with me..."All I want for Easter is my 2 Front Teeth!"

I'll Take Codeine and a Side of Steroids Please

Can an old lady catch a break?

Ever since I turned 40, I've been sick.

The flu for a week.

Now, bronchitis.  For the last week and a half.

Thank god my mammogram report came back normal or I would have thought that this over the hill thing was going to bury me under it.

I already had to cancel a trip to Lake Tahoe, that was tough.

The kids looked forward to snow and lots of it!

We looked forward to a Lake Tahoe winter

My doctor said, "are you kidding, do you want pneumonia?"  Thanks bronchitis.

Second round of antibiotics, and inhaler, cough meds with codeine, and now Prednisone.

Steroids...yeah well they say you won't sleep, you will eat a ton, and you'll get puffy.

Sounds like a super solution to my current ailment.

What doesn't kill ya makes you stronger right?

Well, then I should be hitting homeruns in no time.

So many things to look forward to in the upcoming months, I don't have time to be sick anymore.

So do you hear that body?

I know you're all "ooh I'm forty now, I'm going to slough off and get squishy, take that Jen."

You know what body...that's not cool.  

I'm going to beat this and I'm going to take care of you and you'll see, you'll be stronger than ever.

You're going to try and get all Honey BooBoo Mom's CHINS on me, and I'm going be all...I don't think so, I'm going to do chin exercises so take that!

Hmm.

I better check the side-effects of all those drugs.

40 So Far: The Flu and Pancake Boobs!

I had a few pre-40 birthday celebrations and they were fabulous!

A trip to Vegas with my honey, a limo ride wine tasting with friends, dinner and dancing until the wee hours....

THEN the flu hit me. 

I thought I was sore and tired from dancing and the wine.

Nope, fever set in and the aches continued.

Then the fever went away and came back for days...through my actual birthday last Wednesday.

That night my mom had planned a dinner out. 

I had a 101 fever.

Originally she planned a surprise party then told me about it because she was cancelling it.  This because I had planned my own event the weekend before.

Nonetheless, it was going to be the five of us and my parents.

I nearly called to cancel at the last minute and begged my hubby and DQ to tell me if there was any last minute surprises I should expect.

No and nope were the answers.

I barely did my hair, dressed shabbily and headed out the door.  I was cold and tired and I'm sure the bags under my eyes could contain my wardrobe.

We walk into the restaurant and are led to the "side room" where larger than 7 people events are held. 

I KNEW it, and I looked and felt like crap, and the doors opened to SURPRISE and photo flashes that immediately made my head throb.

Oh the sweetness though of the thought and preparation that my mom and my oldest put into a Hawaii-themed (LOVE) surprise party for me!!

Friends and family hugged though I warned them of my plague.

The night was fun, the food fab, the friends and family the best.

By the end of the night I was feeling better and I passed out when I got home. 

It wasn't until Friday where the fever was all gone, and I felt semi-human again.

Now for Monday...

My first mammogram ever and I'm terrified.

Not of the procedure, but of the wait for the results.

My aunt (mom's sister) passed from breast cancer at age 39 back in 1966. 

This growing old thing...tiring and scary.

Sometimes I want to be 20 again.